Uncharted Waters

"You are the Christ. You are the Son of the living God."- Matthew 16:16. I love that verse. It's so reassuring, comforting, rejuvenating, and resurrecting. I found that verse on a bracelet shortly after I was diagnosed. It brought me peace. You know... that's been the scariest part about fighting cancer is that I don't know what's going to happen. I know God has a purpose for my life, as he does for all of us, but I've wondered to myself many times "What if this is my purpose? What if I don't make it out of this battle? What if...?" None of us are guaranteed our next breath, but that verse reminds me of something very important in my relationship with Christ- there are some things in life I am not meant to understand, I just have to trust God and live with not understanding the best I can. I'll never forget the day I was diagnosed, nor will I forget the night when I was finally alone in my room and I couldn't fight the tears from coming any longer. I bowed my head and started crying to God "God, I just don't understand." over and over again. That night there were a million "what if's" going through my mind about how this was going to effect my loved ones, how is school going to work out this year, how am I going to be able to handle all this, how am I going to take it when my hair starts falling out, how sick will the chemo make me, when will I have surgery, how far has the cancer spread, what will happen next? I bought that bracelet, and I don't wear it every day but I keep that verse in my heart because in this life, there are times where we want answers, we want to be able to understand things in our own logical ways, but sometimes we aren't meant to have that. That's a hard thing to accept when you have to face a tough situation, but it's the truth. I don't see how people make it through this life without God- I really don't. His salvation is more to me that just being rescued from hell. It's also a salvation from this life as well, and anything that happens to you during this life. Personally, he has been the only person in my life who I could truly hold onto. In this life, he is all you can really hold onto and know that he's not going anywhere. At any moment, you could lose your health, lose your spouse, your children, your friends, your family members, your home, your possessions, your home, your financial stability, or your life. None of these things are guaranteed to be there tomorrow, but you'll always have God to hold onto not only in this life, but in the next. I'm not saying these words because I'm person you would label as a "Christian." I'm saying these words because I've lived them, I'm still living them, and by the grace of God I'll be living them forever! God is real. He's just as real as the breath you just took. Question is...how real is God to you? I don't know who's going to read this, but who ever you are, you're on my heart tonight, as you always are. If you need to renew your commitment to God, I beg of you to do it. If you have never had a relationship with God, I ask you to give God a chance- ask him to be a part of your life. It's the most beautiful question you will ever ask, and trust me, he will not disappoint you!

The miracle of friendship

Ever stopped and thought about all the people in your life, and how you relate to every one of them on one level or another? Ever think about the first time you saw them, and remembered what your first impression of them, only to find out you were totally wrong about what you first thought, or to discover you were right, but there was more underneath the surface of the person than what you ever imagined? Friendship is such a miraculous gift from God! There is a difference from acting friendly toward your personal acquaintances and actually being friends with a person. BIG DIFFERENCE!!! I remember the first time I saw my best friend Kelly, I thought she would be the last person in the world I would ever call my friend, but here we are today- been best friends since we were 16. We're very close, despite how different we are, yet we're so similar. It's amazing how God allows people into our lives that we don't expect to grow close to, and when that moment happens, you don't ever forget it or forget where that special gift of friendship comes from. I've been blessed with another special friend in the past few months, and I never expected to be so blessed by him either, let alone call him a friend. His name is Ashley, and he's not at all who I thought he was when I first saw him. The first time I saw Ashley was at church, rolling around in his wheelchair with an oxygen tank and a box covered in a picture of Jeff Gordon bolted to the back of his chair. I had no idea what his condition was, but I remember thinking to myself "He seems kinda shy." Boy was I wrong! I came to discover that he's funny, very intellectual, warm-hearted, an awesome man of God, strong, stubborn, courageous,multi-faceted, yet a very down to earth person. Later I learned more about his health and I can't say I felt sorry for him, I was in awe of him. He's in his 30's, has MD, and he's still going strong. WOW!!!!! I've known people with MD, and most don't live past their 20's if they are lucky. These past few months our friendship has blossomed, and it's still growing. This past summer we almost lost him, but I'm thankful the Lord decided to let Ashley stay here with us. Mine and Ashley's friendship really started when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, and he's been such an inspiration to me in my fight, and a source of comfort. He and I have different conditions, but we have a common ground- we both know what it's like to suffer- not only from our own physical conditions, but on other things as well. We're people, but due to our health we have different lives than most people we know, but we wouldn't haven't any other way. I won't lie, it's been hard- the past 3 years of my life have been consumed by school, and I was looking foward to having a lighter load this semester, which I have, but my time is just as consumed as it was before by doctor appointments, chemo treatments, sick days, etc. instead of classes. My last chemo treatment was three weeks ago, the weekend of Halloween when all my friends were out at their parties or fall festivals, while I was at home recovering from chemo. Chemo is not fun to go through. I have medical poison pumped into my body that kills good cells and bad cells,leaving me feeling like I've been hit by semi-truck several times, but to combat the damage done to my good cells I'm given a shot that makes every bone in my body hurt. I kid you not! The last time I had my shot, I could feel the bones in the heel of my foot aching! I thought it was funny, not that I was hurting, but of all places that normally hurt the worst, it was in my feet. During my recovery from chemo, I take loratab to keep the bone pain from being too much, but the drug makes me feel even more washed out, so I try not to take it so much. That weekend I was down not only physically, but emotionally. There I was stuck at home, looking at pictures of people I know having a get-together and wishing that I had been invited, wishing that I was not having to recover from chemo that same weekend, wishing that I wasn't sick, wishing that I didn't have breast cancer at all, but looking back, I'm thankful for how cancer has changed my life because if it wasn't for cancer, I wouldn't have spent my Saturday sharing my heart with Ashley. Now I have a friend who can honestly say " I know what that's like too." For the first few months, it was hard because I didn't know anyone else my age who I could relate to. I talked to my best friend Kelly all the time, but she could only understand so much of what I'm going through. Like I said earlier, people who have physical conditions are people, but we have to live different kinds of lives. That afternoon Ashley and I both shared our stories about what we've been through, and we still do from time to time, but I love how our conversations always end up in how we are thankful to God for bringing us through what he has brought us through, not just in health situations, but in family situations too. In a most recent conversation we were talking about how suffering brings beauty in life, and how it's made us learn how to trust God more with our lives, and overall made our relationships with God deeper. In light of the topic of how suffering has brought us closer to God, I asked him if he had the choice of having a "normal" life where he wouldn't have had to go through so much, but miss out on having experienced God the way he has in his life, would he have chosen a different life, and his answer was no. I can totally relate to and support that answer!! Ashley's hero is Christopher Reeves- Superman, but to me, Ashley is my Superman. The more you're around him, the more you come to love him, and that's the gospel truth! He has the most amazing spirit, despite all he's been through in life, despite his current situation, he still keeps on shinning. There have been so many rough points in these past few months where I have been so depressed from being sick, or days where I'll just feel like I can't take it any more, but I'll think about Ashley and tell myself "If he can keep on smiling no matter what, I can too!" I thank God for him and for our friendship every day.