Uncharted Waters

"You are the Christ. You are the Son of the living God."- Matthew 16:16. I love that verse. It's so reassuring, comforting, rejuvenating, and resurrecting. I found that verse on a bracelet shortly after I was diagnosed. It brought me peace. You know... that's been the scariest part about fighting cancer is that I don't know what's going to happen. I know God has a purpose for my life, as he does for all of us, but I've wondered to myself many times "What if this is my purpose? What if I don't make it out of this battle? What if...?" None of us are guaranteed our next breath, but that verse reminds me of something very important in my relationship with Christ- there are some things in life I am not meant to understand, I just have to trust God and live with not understanding the best I can. I'll never forget the day I was diagnosed, nor will I forget the night when I was finally alone in my room and I couldn't fight the tears from coming any longer. I bowed my head and started crying to God "God, I just don't understand." over and over again. That night there were a million "what if's" going through my mind about how this was going to effect my loved ones, how is school going to work out this year, how am I going to be able to handle all this, how am I going to take it when my hair starts falling out, how sick will the chemo make me, when will I have surgery, how far has the cancer spread, what will happen next? I bought that bracelet, and I don't wear it every day but I keep that verse in my heart because in this life, there are times where we want answers, we want to be able to understand things in our own logical ways, but sometimes we aren't meant to have that. That's a hard thing to accept when you have to face a tough situation, but it's the truth. I don't see how people make it through this life without God- I really don't. His salvation is more to me that just being rescued from hell. It's also a salvation from this life as well, and anything that happens to you during this life. Personally, he has been the only person in my life who I could truly hold onto. In this life, he is all you can really hold onto and know that he's not going anywhere. At any moment, you could lose your health, lose your spouse, your children, your friends, your family members, your home, your possessions, your home, your financial stability, or your life. None of these things are guaranteed to be there tomorrow, but you'll always have God to hold onto not only in this life, but in the next. I'm not saying these words because I'm person you would label as a "Christian." I'm saying these words because I've lived them, I'm still living them, and by the grace of God I'll be living them forever! God is real. He's just as real as the breath you just took. Question is...how real is God to you? I don't know who's going to read this, but who ever you are, you're on my heart tonight, as you always are. If you need to renew your commitment to God, I beg of you to do it. If you have never had a relationship with God, I ask you to give God a chance- ask him to be a part of your life. It's the most beautiful question you will ever ask, and trust me, he will not disappoint you!

The miracle of friendship

Ever stopped and thought about all the people in your life, and how you relate to every one of them on one level or another? Ever think about the first time you saw them, and remembered what your first impression of them, only to find out you were totally wrong about what you first thought, or to discover you were right, but there was more underneath the surface of the person than what you ever imagined? Friendship is such a miraculous gift from God! There is a difference from acting friendly toward your personal acquaintances and actually being friends with a person. BIG DIFFERENCE!!! I remember the first time I saw my best friend Kelly, I thought she would be the last person in the world I would ever call my friend, but here we are today- been best friends since we were 16. We're very close, despite how different we are, yet we're so similar. It's amazing how God allows people into our lives that we don't expect to grow close to, and when that moment happens, you don't ever forget it or forget where that special gift of friendship comes from. I've been blessed with another special friend in the past few months, and I never expected to be so blessed by him either, let alone call him a friend. His name is Ashley, and he's not at all who I thought he was when I first saw him. The first time I saw Ashley was at church, rolling around in his wheelchair with an oxygen tank and a box covered in a picture of Jeff Gordon bolted to the back of his chair. I had no idea what his condition was, but I remember thinking to myself "He seems kinda shy." Boy was I wrong! I came to discover that he's funny, very intellectual, warm-hearted, an awesome man of God, strong, stubborn, courageous,multi-faceted, yet a very down to earth person. Later I learned more about his health and I can't say I felt sorry for him, I was in awe of him. He's in his 30's, has MD, and he's still going strong. WOW!!!!! I've known people with MD, and most don't live past their 20's if they are lucky. These past few months our friendship has blossomed, and it's still growing. This past summer we almost lost him, but I'm thankful the Lord decided to let Ashley stay here with us. Mine and Ashley's friendship really started when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, and he's been such an inspiration to me in my fight, and a source of comfort. He and I have different conditions, but we have a common ground- we both know what it's like to suffer- not only from our own physical conditions, but on other things as well. We're people, but due to our health we have different lives than most people we know, but we wouldn't haven't any other way. I won't lie, it's been hard- the past 3 years of my life have been consumed by school, and I was looking foward to having a lighter load this semester, which I have, but my time is just as consumed as it was before by doctor appointments, chemo treatments, sick days, etc. instead of classes. My last chemo treatment was three weeks ago, the weekend of Halloween when all my friends were out at their parties or fall festivals, while I was at home recovering from chemo. Chemo is not fun to go through. I have medical poison pumped into my body that kills good cells and bad cells,leaving me feeling like I've been hit by semi-truck several times, but to combat the damage done to my good cells I'm given a shot that makes every bone in my body hurt. I kid you not! The last time I had my shot, I could feel the bones in the heel of my foot aching! I thought it was funny, not that I was hurting, but of all places that normally hurt the worst, it was in my feet. During my recovery from chemo, I take loratab to keep the bone pain from being too much, but the drug makes me feel even more washed out, so I try not to take it so much. That weekend I was down not only physically, but emotionally. There I was stuck at home, looking at pictures of people I know having a get-together and wishing that I had been invited, wishing that I was not having to recover from chemo that same weekend, wishing that I wasn't sick, wishing that I didn't have breast cancer at all, but looking back, I'm thankful for how cancer has changed my life because if it wasn't for cancer, I wouldn't have spent my Saturday sharing my heart with Ashley. Now I have a friend who can honestly say " I know what that's like too." For the first few months, it was hard because I didn't know anyone else my age who I could relate to. I talked to my best friend Kelly all the time, but she could only understand so much of what I'm going through. Like I said earlier, people who have physical conditions are people, but we have to live different kinds of lives. That afternoon Ashley and I both shared our stories about what we've been through, and we still do from time to time, but I love how our conversations always end up in how we are thankful to God for bringing us through what he has brought us through, not just in health situations, but in family situations too. In a most recent conversation we were talking about how suffering brings beauty in life, and how it's made us learn how to trust God more with our lives, and overall made our relationships with God deeper. In light of the topic of how suffering has brought us closer to God, I asked him if he had the choice of having a "normal" life where he wouldn't have had to go through so much, but miss out on having experienced God the way he has in his life, would he have chosen a different life, and his answer was no. I can totally relate to and support that answer!! Ashley's hero is Christopher Reeves- Superman, but to me, Ashley is my Superman. The more you're around him, the more you come to love him, and that's the gospel truth! He has the most amazing spirit, despite all he's been through in life, despite his current situation, he still keeps on shinning. There have been so many rough points in these past few months where I have been so depressed from being sick, or days where I'll just feel like I can't take it any more, but I'll think about Ashley and tell myself "If he can keep on smiling no matter what, I can too!" I thank God for him and for our friendship every day.

God is awesome!!! Have you noticed lately?

I writing now mostly out of guilt and conviction, but it's something that's on my heart. My Bible study group has recently started a new study called "Forgotten God" by Francis Chan, and got into several discussions before we even opened the book last week. Tonight, I can't help but wonder "WHY?" Why do we keep forgetting God? Why do we not take our relationships with him more seriously than what we do? Is it because we're so used to the experiences we have in our relationships with other humans? Is it because we're accustomed to the types of we immediate communications with the ones we interact with,like when we hear their voices, see their faces, look into their eyes? Why are we so thoughtless? We have a God who loves us with a most amazing love, who died for us on a cross, suffered for hours in pain, yet still chooses to lets us take our next breath...and we still take him for granted. I'm still puzzled at why we do the things we do. Why do I do all the things I do? God has brought me through so much in my life. I owe him my life on so many levels, and I still don't treat him like I should. Friday I shared a glimpse of my breast cancer battle with a group of people, most of them I didn't know, but if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have been up there at all. Here's another story for you, that took place 6 years ago.... It was Wednesday, October 18, 2003. I was in my first semester on college at GMC, and I was driving my dad's newly purchased Chevrolet Monte Carlo. He was letting me drive on the way to drop me off for school that day, and as I was walking to the car I had a feeling come to my thoughts that I shouldn't drive. I kept hearing the voice saying "Don't drive! Don't drive!", but like an idiot I told myself that I'm only thinking that because I'm nervous. I got behind the wheel, turned onto N. Jefferson, and was on my way to class. Half-way through the drive, I started feeling like something was wrong, but I didn't know what was happening. I couldn't move my arms to steer, couldn't move my legs, and I'm behind the wheel of a car in early morning traffic. My arms start shaking uncontrollably, and my dad turned to me and asked me "April, what's happening?" I was able to tell him "I don't know," and then I passed out. That's all I remembered until I woke up in the hospital emergency room. My dad was able to pull the car over, and a man who noticed my dad was having some trouble pulled behind him to see what was the matter. The stranger helped my dad move me over to the passenger side of the car. I have no idea what was going through my dad's mind, but I know he was shaken up. He thought I had died. At the emergency room the nurses had already asked my dad tons of questions about what happened, because neither one of us really knew. The nurse told me I had had a seizure. My thought at that moment was "A what?!? Why did I have that?!?" I had two seizures before that, but didn't know what they were. Two weeks later I was diagnosed with juvenile myclonic epilepsy. Ever since then I can't help but think to myself about all the ways God saved my life. If it wasn't for God, I wouldn't love music like I do. If it wasn't for God, I wouldn't have gone to GMC. If it wasn't for God, I wouldn't have wanted to play the flute since I was a kid. If it wasn't for God, I would have never learned how to play the flute, or have the ability. If it wasn't for God, I wouldn't have joined the band. If it wasn't for band, I would have tried to get my licence before I was 18 years old, but I didn't have a life outside of band in high school. If I had had my licence, I would have been driving myself to school alone, would have passed out behind the wheel without my dad there to keep me from running into something or someone else, and could have been killed in a car wreck, or killed someone else. You don't walk away from something like that wondering if there's a God or not. God has done so much for me, been there for me through some very dark times. I'll be honest, there have been times where I've been in so much pain and agony physically and spiritually, I've wanted to die. I've thought about death more times than I'd like to admit. Some days it does seem like dying would be easier than going through hardship it's taking for me to keep living, but God keeps giving me grace and even sanity to keep going. When I tell people I'm getting though this one day at a time by the grace of God, I mean it! I honestly don't see how people get through this life without God. It's crazy how you can go through so much suffering in such a short life span, and still take God for granted. I don't know about you, but I'm going to change that. No more of this luke-warm, staying in my comfort zone, making plans to achieve what I want to happen in my future, wishing for things to happen that aren't meant for me to have. When it comes to God, there are no gray areas anywhere, and he deserves more from me than what I give.

In Tune With Pink

WOW!!! Where do I begin to descibe how I felt tonight?!? It was awesome beyond words. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, tonight's event "In Tune with Pink" was an event held at GC&SU to honor breast cancer survivors, fighters, and those who lost the battle to not only breast cancer, but to any type of cancer. It was also held to raise money for the Susan G. Komen Foundation. It was an evening filled with wonderful music, amazing food, and wonderful people. I was asked to speak at this even tonight as a guest, which was such an honor to be given this opportunity, but I was completely suprised by the amount of support and love. Needless to say, I almost cried 3 times while I was reading my story, but I'm quite a sap anyways. It's hard not to cry when I think about all of the things cancer has brought me through, both good and bad. The most emotional part of the night was the candle lighting ceremony during the intermission. The first candle was lit in honor of me (That was another suprise), followed by the pink candles which represent the breast cancer survivors present at the event, the purple candles represented those who have fought other types of cancer, and the white candles were lit to honor loved ones who have passed away from cancer. I lit a white candle in honor of several loved ones tonight. It's been almost 5 months since my grandmother lost her fight to lymphoma. It was a terrible way to lose someone we all loved so much, but in her case, death was not a mortal enemy- it was her friend. I had never seen anyone suffer from cancer like she did because when my other relatives passed away, I was too young to experience it. I will have to share her story with you on another night. Every time I have a rough day, I think about how brave she was. The last time my grandma and I spoke, she was in the hospital going through chemo trying to fight a losing battle, but she had the most amazing spirits despite the fact that she was crying because she felt so sick from the chemo. I remember my grandpa wiping the tears off her face, taking her by the hand and telling her "I know it's rough, but if I can go through it, I know you can too." Sadly, my grandfather passed away 38 days after my grandmother did, but I know if they were still here today, they would have told me the same thing. I can't help but think of all God has brought me and my family through this year alone, and all he's going to do in the future. The day I was diagnosed, my granny drove me to the doctor's office to get the results of my biopsy and I told her "I don't know what the doctor is going to have in store for us today, but I know this battle is God's. It was his before any of this ever took place." And that's the case with all things in life. All of our good times and bad times happen for a reason. Tonight was a special night I'll always remember for the rest of my life!

Hello All!

Ok... I admit it- I finally gave into the idea of blogging. Normally it's not my thing because it requires a person to sit still and type his/her thoughts for anybody and everybody to read, and the readers like for the author to continue to supply them with more thoughts on various matters, something which I don't really do. Yeah, I had my journals in high school, but I can't say I was always diligent about writing in them, and when I did, I poured my heart out in them, but I'll do a better job at this than what I did with my journals. My Aunt and several of my friends have wanted me to begin blogging because of the recent journey life has taken me on, and God has allowed to happen, and that's to write about my experiences as a young woman fighting breast cancer. It's been life changing, but that's not all I'll write about. I'm an old soul and sometimes I have the priviledge of learning about life from life itself. I've always pondered about life, and the things I've learned from my experiences growing up in a tough home situation for the majority of my life, coping with my health, and dealing with any and all other situations in between. I'm not here to tell a sob story, but I know I wouldn't be the woman I am today if it wasn't for the suffering I've been through, and for the challenges I'm currently facing. I hope that you, my readers, will recieve encouragement from what you read and that you too will be inspired to live life to the fullest, no matter what happens, no matter where you find yourself. God bless and keep you always. May his blessings flow upon you every day,and may you always find yourself in his presence wherever you go!